coming close to losing you was the only wake up call I need, the saying you never know what you've got till its gone has never been so true when I almost watch you slip away from my inconsiderate actions. with a clean slate I no longer want or will associate myself with the past not because I'm ashamed of my past but it will no longer define me. I set out my future with you as a whole new person that I could never even thought of being prior to being with you, so thank you for all the time, effort, love, commitment and energy that you have invested in me.. in us. I can only do the same as there is no way of repayment or 'make-up' for the forgiveness that you have graciously given me.
lessons that you have taught me in just the last 2 months goes beyond my wildest expectations. I look at myself in the mirror and there are subtle changes that reflect back. Gone is the girl with an inch of make-up that she hides behind.. her source of confidence. I'll admit I barely leave the house without make-up but being comfortable in the way I look is definitely an improvement from a few weeks ago. My unhealthy addiction to social network is another stepping stone to greater things as I see now how it caused me so much unnecessary hurt that I was blinded to or at times refused to see. 711 or 1, I'll gladly trade all 711 for that 1 person who may seem lonely in figure but more that sufficient in company. I am truly sorry for the hurt and sadness as a result of my lack of emotional consideration and reckless actions. You say this discussion will never happen again, and that there is no next time because you will lose me if it does, I know this discussion will never happen again because I know I will not make the same mistakes I did or put myself in positions that do not have your best interest or your emotions first. I start afresh..
Monday, December 30, 2013
Thursday, October 3, 2013
gold
'they say if you love someone set them free, if they come they're yours to keep, if they don't then they were never yours in the first place. '
In my honest opinion you are much better than me as a person, that the thought of letting you go because I know that you deserve more than I can give has crossed my mind. That feeling you get when you know deep down that you will never be able to make that person happy because they deserve more and they are genuinely a good person.. when you realize that as much as you have been selfish in your life it isn't negotiable that you keep hanging on to them because this time it's just wrong and unfair for them, and that you genuinely care and love them so much that it doesn't matter if you never heal or if you'll never find another because their happiness and future means the world to you. That is how you make me feel. I don't know how this goes but I feel at times that I can't keep you here with me as much as I love to, being selfish this time round would hurt me more as you deserve to be happy with someone who can give you as much as you give me.... fully and wholeheartedly. At times I feel that I can never be that person because I don't know how to give myself to you, moreover will you want me if you knew the imperfections underneath it all. Just as broken toy, its no good to anyone once it's in pieces beyond repair...
In my honest opinion you are much better than me as a person, that the thought of letting you go because I know that you deserve more than I can give has crossed my mind. That feeling you get when you know deep down that you will never be able to make that person happy because they deserve more and they are genuinely a good person.. when you realize that as much as you have been selfish in your life it isn't negotiable that you keep hanging on to them because this time it's just wrong and unfair for them, and that you genuinely care and love them so much that it doesn't matter if you never heal or if you'll never find another because their happiness and future means the world to you. That is how you make me feel. I don't know how this goes but I feel at times that I can't keep you here with me as much as I love to, being selfish this time round would hurt me more as you deserve to be happy with someone who can give you as much as you give me.... fully and wholeheartedly. At times I feel that I can never be that person because I don't know how to give myself to you, moreover will you want me if you knew the imperfections underneath it all. Just as broken toy, its no good to anyone once it's in pieces beyond repair...
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
revisiting hurt and anger seems to be pass time of mine. yes it may seem all too familiar yet i still allow small slips in allowing myself to be faced with rejection and opening up old wounds as it it happened yesterday. browsing and looking at profiles of the very people who rejected me years ago doesn't frustrate me but gives me a sense of calm; as if its suppose to be the way. have i somehow integrated my self-worth with rejection as a norm?
healing seems like a task that never ends... could it be that i'll never truly heal, holding on to all the anguish and hurt in a child-like state that constantly replays like a broken down recorder.
running from every broken relationship into a new exciting one has been my only solution, what happens when you're sick of running? when u are comforted by the pain you're past brings because its the only familiarity u know, as much as u try to change yourself to never revisit those wounds, it feels like its the only way out.
healing seems like a task that never ends... could it be that i'll never truly heal, holding on to all the anguish and hurt in a child-like state that constantly replays like a broken down recorder.
running from every broken relationship into a new exciting one has been my only solution, what happens when you're sick of running? when u are comforted by the pain you're past brings because its the only familiarity u know, as much as u try to change yourself to never revisit those wounds, it feels like its the only way out.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
regrets.
someone mentioned a typical scenario not too long ago about regret. when one is asked about their ambitions and goals set younger in life, did u achieved it by the end of your life. Many would say no, with family being a typical reason especially within then Asian upbringing. 'my parents had other plans for me' or 'my parents wanted me to do this' would be the typical answer would u not agree.
Siting here as my grandma sleeps on makes me realise so much more than just what my parents want for me, but the older generation's definition of FAMILY. this does vary between individuals but some of the older generation views family as all that we have at the end of day, and how family needs to stick together. they want n choose to meddle in some way to determine our future because they want what they didn't have or opportunities that weren't available to them. before u jump ahead and argue that shouldn't we dictate our own future, after all the phase 'your future is in your hands' has been drilled into our thick skulls at a very young age, to make the most out of life. Now this is often the crossroad that many young adults growing up in an Asian Culture face, do we do what we want or what our family wants for us.
Personally i think the decision is based on every individual, sit down and really think about what you want and the goals that your family has planned for you. take out of the equation family disappointment and all the emotional blackmail that might be used against you. Take some time off to reason out why the plans your family have tried to force upon you, gaining a better understanding on the reason behind it will give u a better approach in explaining your own plans to them. at then end of he day, you can either change your plans to align them to your family's expectations or set new plans with considerations. :)
Siting here as my grandma sleeps on makes me realise so much more than just what my parents want for me, but the older generation's definition of FAMILY. this does vary between individuals but some of the older generation views family as all that we have at the end of day, and how family needs to stick together. they want n choose to meddle in some way to determine our future because they want what they didn't have or opportunities that weren't available to them. before u jump ahead and argue that shouldn't we dictate our own future, after all the phase 'your future is in your hands' has been drilled into our thick skulls at a very young age, to make the most out of life. Now this is often the crossroad that many young adults growing up in an Asian Culture face, do we do what we want or what our family wants for us.
Personally i think the decision is based on every individual, sit down and really think about what you want and the goals that your family has planned for you. take out of the equation family disappointment and all the emotional blackmail that might be used against you. Take some time off to reason out why the plans your family have tried to force upon you, gaining a better understanding on the reason behind it will give u a better approach in explaining your own plans to them. at then end of he day, you can either change your plans to align them to your family's expectations or set new plans with considerations. :)
Saturday, August 25, 2012
everyone has a dark side, can u love mine?
i know this died i think a year ago? but I'm just occupied. its not meant to be read i guess, not anymore. i write for me so don't keep ur hopes up bout updates.
so after a year and 3 months, i guess its over. I'm still in denial. i keep thinking ur gonna come back n give me another chance but some part of me says this is what i need, to be alone and figure things out. confused? these days i just try not to think, cos i cant help but hurt when i do. numb doesn't even begin to describe how i feel. being in constant morphine.. bottling it all up is pretty much how it is. of cos withdrawal from the world is an obvious, but i don't have space to be alone, so constantly keeping it together with a big smile plastered on my face when everyone ask how r u is a must. no i haven't told anyone else than the bff, not even my sisters.
the first week is suppose to be the worst, now i don't know if i have hit the worse yet, prob not if im questioning myself. how did Tuesday turned so abruptly . just waiting for him to think this thru i guess. Tuesdays used to be my fav day, now its ntg more than a reminder of what I've loss
Tuesday morning-Michelle branch
pls don't drive me home tonight,cos i don't want to feel alone,
Tuesday morning in the dark, i was finding out who i was.
so after a year and 3 months, i guess its over. I'm still in denial. i keep thinking ur gonna come back n give me another chance but some part of me says this is what i need, to be alone and figure things out. confused? these days i just try not to think, cos i cant help but hurt when i do. numb doesn't even begin to describe how i feel. being in constant morphine.. bottling it all up is pretty much how it is. of cos withdrawal from the world is an obvious, but i don't have space to be alone, so constantly keeping it together with a big smile plastered on my face when everyone ask how r u is a must. no i haven't told anyone else than the bff, not even my sisters.
the first week is suppose to be the worst, now i don't know if i have hit the worse yet, prob not if im questioning myself. how did Tuesday turned so abruptly . just waiting for him to think this thru i guess. Tuesdays used to be my fav day, now its ntg more than a reminder of what I've loss
Tuesday morning-Michelle branch
pls don't drive me home tonight,cos i don't want to feel alone,
Tuesday morning in the dark, i was finding out who i was.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
falling... falling... anticipating the the moment where she will hit the concrete floor in which gravity has been pulling her to, she shuts her eyes close, wanting to slip away before she feels the pain. any pain.
blinking more than twice, not a scratch and in the middle of a meadow she stood, a jungle on her left with a creek on the side. not too distant a faint but distinct laughter she hears, children laughter mingled with shrieks of excitement. she follows, caution with every step treading on soft decayed leafs that form the ground, a blanket that covers her footsteps. as she approaches, she could see a bird mimicking the the exact same sound of laughter that she heard. she knew that she was alone, that there would be no children laughter or songs because around her stood the remains of her village once her home filled with joy and warmth. Now nothing stands but debris of her village, with no one to haunt her but only her memory...
blinking more than twice, not a scratch and in the middle of a meadow she stood, a jungle on her left with a creek on the side. not too distant a faint but distinct laughter she hears, children laughter mingled with shrieks of excitement. she follows, caution with every step treading on soft decayed leafs that form the ground, a blanket that covers her footsteps. as she approaches, she could see a bird mimicking the the exact same sound of laughter that she heard. she knew that she was alone, that there would be no children laughter or songs because around her stood the remains of her village once her home filled with joy and warmth. Now nothing stands but debris of her village, with no one to haunt her but only her memory...
Friday, December 30, 2011
new year's eve
while some of u may be filling yourself with booze and partying the night away til 2012, i'll stand in the middle of a 1million crowd with our heads fixed on the clouds watching these amazing fire display created by chemical reaction for our amusement. being part of the million other people i guess that doesnt make it very special now does it? but i'll be hand in hand with my mum and my dad and thw rest of my family which i havent spend new year's with in awhile. :) i know it means alot to my parents that i take some time out to spend such a simple moment with them and i guess i still am their little girl not just in their eyes but in my heart as well.
i love being close to my family, and i know at times its not what i want but it has been in my skin and pretty much part of me that family will always come second to none. so 2011 will close not with a bang but a warmth in my heart standing next to my familia. :)
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